Day 25…

This is a bit of a cheat. I published this several years ago on another blog platform, but it’s a little intro to something else I’m working on.

And it should be required reading for anyone that ever wants to eat in a restaurant…

Also, everyone should check out The Bitchy Waiter. Good Stuff.

Your Mother Doesn’t Work Here

Granted, cleaning up after guests is a crucial, if unpleasant, part of the restaurant industry. I understand and accept this fact. Lord knows that when I go out to eat (which is often), I don’t want to jump up after my meal and go wash my own dishes and God-only-knows how many pans and utensils were required to make it. I get this. It’s cool.

That said, I do maintain a certain etiquette when I go out to eat:

a. If I can’t manage to use the ketchup without making a huge mess of the bottle, I don’t use the ketchup. Granted, ketchup bottles, even the squeezie ones, are fatally flawed and often seem near impossible to use without getting tomatoey goodness everywhere. Here’s the thing; if the ketchup drips all over the bottle and I don’t feel like wiping it up with my one and only napkin, I leave the lid off. Some would consider this bad form but trust me, my work is so much easier if, when I go to clean up after you, I can just wipe off the bottle and replace the lid myself. Screw the cap back on a messy ketchup bottle and you’ve worsened the mess at least three fold.

b. If I’m in the restroom and I drop a paper towel, some toilet paper, or a random lime wedge (I didn’t understand how it got there either) I PICK IT UP AND THROW IT AWAY!!! I really have a hard time figuring out why this is such a difficult concept. When I’m in other restaurant bathrooms I have a habit of sprucing it up. My friends often like to laugh at this little quirk, but if we all took a moment to make sure we didn’t personally leave a mess, there’d be no mess. I’ve noticed most airline lavatories have that little sign suggesting you use your towel to wipe off the basin for the next user. And you know what? I’ve rarely seen an airplane bathroom as gross as some restaurant bathrooms. I’m convinced it’s the shame factor; you know when you open the door to that little closet someone is likely waiting there for you and they will know who didn’t clean up their own mess! And ladies who like to hover, if you pee on the seat for God’s sake wipe it up. That is just beyond gross.

c. I don’t have children of my own but I do have nieces and many friends with kids and I sincerely get that a meal out with kids can be challenging. That does not make it ok to make restaurant wares acceptable toys. It is not ok for your child to dump out the salt shaker and proceed to smear salt all over the table. It is not ok for said child to do the same with every single sugar packet and then dribble straw-fulls of 7up all over it to make it a lumpy, gooey, smeary mess. And if you have for some reason allowed your child to do this it is most definitely not ok for you to leave it for me, or anyone else, to clean up! That is downright rude. Cheerios on the floor? No problem. Leave them, I’m happy to get those. Gooey mess all over my table? So not cool.

d. I do not sit at a bar and tear cocktail napkins, coasters, beer labels, etc. into tiny little obnoxious pieces. Aside from the incredible mess is leaves it just makes you look like you have issues.

e. I always say please and thank you to the people serving me. Yes, my tip is technically paying for their services but this does not make them my servants. They work hard (most of them anyway), and a little common courtesy goes a long way. A really long way. So does cash but you get my point.

In short, I want you to relax and enjoy your time out. I truly don’t want you to jump up and grab a towel and wipe off your own table. But be mindful of the space around you — I wouldn’t come into your home and pour ketchup and salt everywhere and then throw towels all over your bathroom and leave it for you to deal with. It’s rude. Enough said.