I Am Not a Master of the Slow Lane
Day Six…
Big Fail
Task Six: Drive in the slow lane for an entire day
Ummm, yeah. This one was just doomed to fail. What I should have attempted was driving the posted speed limit for an entire day. Somehow yesterday was a day of miraculously light traffic in Oakland and which lane I chose made very little difference. But before I had even driven far enough to come to that conclusion, I was already in the wrong lane. That’s right, I flat out forgot what I was supposed to be doing. Evidently my mindfulness exercises are not paying off.
Once I came out of la la land, however, I did move to the right and attempt to remain there. I never realized how many left turns are involved getting from my apartment to my office (again, not doing so hot with the mindfulness). Even with the light traffic, I did become excruciatingly aware of some of my biggest traffic pet peeves. Yes, I have a lot of them. I’m what you might call an ill-tempered driver (be thankful I don’t have lasers). And I do realize that I have, in fact, been guilty of all of them at one time or another. I am not subject to delusions of grandeur. When I commit them, however, it’s a genuine mistake. I’m convinced the rest of the world is just trying to piss me off. Here are the five I find most troublesome:
1. Not using your turn signal. This is absolutely, positively, without doubt the most annoying thing any driver can do. And it’s one thing of which I’m quite certain I am rarely guilty. I would go so far as to say never but I try to avoid absolutes. It’s one of those things in life that I just can’t comprehend. Seriously, it’s not rocket science. The lever controlling your turn signals is right there on your steering wheel on your left hand side and it takes only the gentlest nudge to make it work: nudge down to turn left and up to turn right. You can do it with your pinkie finger. I think an infant could do it with her pinkie finger.
2. Entering a highway at 35mph (or less — or even 45). It’s a highway people! It’s meant for driving at high speeds! “Enter the freeway at or near the speed of traffic.” That is taken directly from the California Driver’s Handbook, which most of you have clearly never read. I’d be willing to bet that the other 49 states and District of Columbia have similar guidelines. Said California handbook is even available on-line. Have a look here.
3. Cyclists who want me to “share the road” but think they are exempt from obeying traffic signals. I get it. You want to spare the air, save the whales, stop ISIS, etc., and I can appreciate that. I would like all of those things too. That said, I’m also a stereotypical, privileged American brat who really likes her car. And I’m happy to share the road with courteous, law-abiding cyclists. But if you expect me not to hit you I expect you to stop at the red light. Just seems fair.
4. People who wait until the last possible second to merge when there is traffic. No, I didn’t witness this one yesterday but it drives me bonkers. It’s a zipper people! One and one. In the interest of fairness I am equally annoyed by people who refuse to let merging traffic merge; see the aforementioned zipper/one and one argument.
5. People who stop in the middle of the right lane at a red light. The majority of the time one can make a right turn on red after stopping. One cannot, however, accomplish this when the dumbass at the front stops smack in the middle of the lane. If you pull to the left side of the lane, those behind you can usually get around you to make their right turn. I’m sure there are plenty of streets in plenty of cities where this isn’t possible no matter how far to the left you stop (Boston comes to mind) but for the bulk of West Coast cities, it’s absolutely true.
The major point here is that all it really takes to give everyone a pleasant driving experience is a little common courtesy. Even my ill-tempered behind attempts to drive with manners (until your dumbass pulls some dumbass maneuver and then all bets are off). I’ll even allow the occasional dumbass who’s waited until the last possible second to merge to complete their merge, choosing to believe that they have a really good reason. Tip: if I or anyone else does this for you, wave. It’s how you say thank you when someone doesn’t mow you down for being an inconsiderate dumbass.
And yes, I really like the word “dumbass.” Just call me Red.
So what’s next, you say? Tired of my ranting, are you? Oh alright. Tonight I will be making wheat-free, cow-dairy-free mac & cheese. I’ll be attempting it anyway, with quinoa pasta and goat cheese. My favorite mac & cheese spot makes a version of this and they say they can make it gluten-free. (Homeroom. If you live in The Town and haven’t checked them out a. something is wrong with you and b. do it now!). I’m not entirely sure, however, that they don’t use at least some form of cow dairy in addition to the chèvre. Every recipe I’ve found on-line involves milk or cream and usually parmesan. I’m not sure I can bring myself to use goat milk — it just seems too icky. I’m leaning toward a more casserole style dish, perhaps with some pesto or olive oil. Hopefully, it will at least be edible. I can always pawn some off on Erik. That guy’ll eat anything.
Oh, and I have one more pet peeve: Pedestrians. Yes, you have the right-of-way. That doesn’t give you the right to mosey across the street with your face glued to your phone and your headphones on listening to Spotify. Also, look both ways. Your mother taught you this years ago. Listen to your mother.
Happy Driving!
